Month: February 2015

Mirror-Mirror

Got something t o write-needs to be written:

I saw me today – didn’t know him

Was in a mirror – always saw him

Never looked close – always too scared

Never looked in – never let me

Turned away – as I got too close

But hey, guess what – today I leaned close

to the silver to spot – me.

Yeah, me in the mirror – there I stood

Lovely blue eyes – with little black dots

An’ look – I’m not scared of myself anymore

I saw me in the mirror –

no more a he –

He isn’t he –

but rather me.

An’ wadaya know –

I like him –

Me.

Satan Loved Her

Satan Loved HerSatan loved her

rendered her love cripple

shattered and sharp like broken glass.

I gave myself to her pool of shattered love

I was torn appart and bled my emotional blood

trying with all I had

to wade through her pieces

and put her back together

My love became broken and shattered all that while.

The Demon seeped into my wounds

I became Evil & Hate

for I loved her and couldn’t hold her together.

I was Hate

I was Evil

All around me became Hate & Evil

All around me was night.

*

All around me was night

an a slender hand

soft and fragile took mine.

She held me close

Without knowing

she put me back together

Piece by piece

Made me smile and feel

She led me back

gently by the hand to her world.

Now I’m no longer alone

scared of the dark.

There’s no more Hate or Evil

just fear for us.

The Angels

The AngelsThe angels in my mind

so distantly calling.

The angels hold my hand

yet I keep falling.

*

My slipping soul

falling from grace.

My slipping soul

falling from it’s place.

My feeble mind

imagines a face.

It runs into nothing

I give chase.

*

The angels in my mind

hold me to their shallow hearts.

I’m trying to feel and die

I cannot navigate with these charts.

i’m trying so hard

to live and die.

Trying not

to live a lie.

*

Everything I feel

I cry.

Now when I feel

I sigh.

I’ve lost my soul

and my mind.

My feelings are numb

they’ve gone blind.

China

The peak of life

People walking on the street

The narrow alleys

Pitted with tiny shops

Chinese calligraphy

A whiff of sweet & sour

The chinese lanterns.

*

Old man in the park

moving slowly

Shadow boxing in the Tai Chi form

Fans move gracefully

in Kung Fu combat

Ah

The essence of life.

Looking back I can remember being absolutely fascinated with Chinese culture.

I almost had an opportunity to go to Hong Kong to study Choy Lay Fut Kung Fu. I don’t think my parents would ever have allowed it if it came to fruition.

The Annihilation – 2nd Chronicle

The Annihilation 1 Autumn makes her cautious arrival

and with her

swift destruction.

Beings blind of simple beauty

crush the forest

under great slabs of cold stone.

Faeries flee to unknown depths

and cold blue-black places.

Pixies dash for safety.

All seek refuge elsewhere.

*

Ice days arrive and

I fear the desolation of clover grovesThe Annihilation 2

will remain unblessed with freshness.

I flee and seek refuge

elsewhere

as the pixies have.

*

And in the stagnant air of winter

when sadness

and longing for companionship is most

and past ages and warmth seem eternally exiled

I return to the desolation of the clover forests

with a silence and a cloak around me.

Wishing for a hint of what was.

*

Among the slabs

I see new fresh

leaves of three.

New trees grow

in tiny huddled green ponds

peering out at the land.

Among the brown is green

and in the stillness of winter’s eve

I see icy sunlight

and even sharper shade.

But in the shadows

peers a hope of forests

when the ponds will join.

The faeries will come

and the pixies and dwarves.

All join in the rebirth.

*

And my mind will once more

have a place to slumber

unhurried.

I will hear the distant water and play

with the little ones

in the cool

green shadows

under the four-leaved trees

in summer’s heat.

Ode to Vicky

I can’t soar anymore

my wings are fine

it’s just my spirit

its broken.

My black child

white rimmed curves

So gentle

So subtle

Smooth and cold.

My child was difficult but when we played

she screamed.

Orgasm after orgasm

filled with an untamed spirit

that wailed like an exulted banshee

in the soft deep light of the moon

My fingers cramped

My shoulders arched

with ghastly pain

I sweated like deaths steaming black steed

and still she screamed

screaming more!

More!

Faster!

FASTER!

*

And I fell to my knees

exhausted

exhulted

and she would stop wailing.

Her spirit ridden

Tired but still hot

Coals glowing in the dark

Tired

Hot

Still yearning to be spurred on

still seething with life

Now my black child

she’s dead

Although her spirit still glows

My lungs are charred

black with the yearning for death

and I can’t fly anymore

My wings are fine

it’s just my spirit

it’s broken.

A Heart-shaped Coal

Everything seems so clear in the darkHeart-shaped coal

When a cold wind blows

and the clouds rush eerie and swift

across the sky.

Singed with moonlight.

There’s a storm coming

*

There’s a strong will to die

a strong will to survive.

My nightmares come to visit creeping through the cracks

of my closed and barred door

Skulking in the blue shadows of my small and lonesome room.

*

There was spring, each touch new

There was summer, each touch warm and comforting

There was autumn, each touch reassuring yet fearful

Then winter, each touch painfully cold

Each touch yearning for warmth.

*

So I closed the door

Barricaded out the cold and held myself for warmth.

I hurt

Therefore I am.

*

Doomed always to be that one guardian angel

To hold and heal that broken-hearted sparrow

To be left holding my own shattered black heart

when the sparrow has flown

Fluttering-spluttering away

from my fearful frame

from my rusty barbed-wire halo

*

And again I dig my fingers into my fleshy chest

Tear out my heart to see if it still beats

to see if it’s still alive

or still.

*

It doesn’t hurt

I have no feeling

It’s not surprising…what I find

Black brittle heart-shaped coal.

It crumbles to bloody mud in my crushing hands

I try to be gentle…

I try…I do

but still it crumbles.

I try to hold it together.

Even a black heart of coal

is better than none at all.

*

I offer the bloody crushed heart

to anyone-everyone

but they turn and flee

in disgust, shame

but mostly fear.

*

Everyone fears what they don’t understand

I am no more human than a beast

They see me as an animal

a fleshy object

and uncomprehension breeds fear

and fear breeds hate

and hate breeds anger

and anger breeds fear

and fear breeds me.

So I became dark, faded and tarnished.

That angel in the shadows

always waiting

always silent

One hand always tentatively outstreached.

Hoping to touch the light

Hoping to open the door

to another spring

Wishing for a loving touch

Praying to a deaf God

for a new heart

for a lost hope

for the one he lost

to cruel fateful circumstance

created by a cruel, spiteful master

a cruel creator.

The Dragon of the Night

The Dragon of the night stirs and uncoilsDragon of the night

in soft

timeless silence

It awakens and taints the horizon

in deep colours of sorrow

Begins slowly

to fly across the sky

on a tender

silent

darkening breeze.

*

Strands of sinuous smoke

rise from my cigarette

is taunted by the air

and torn apart

I watch all this

through my sad and hurt

deep blue eyes

My soul is crying

mortally wounded

In the comfort of

the Dragon of the night

*

The Dragon of the night

hides me in shadows

careless of my pain

The cold stars

twinkle in its eyes

on its scales

The silence is soft and hurtful

I’m dying

in the roots of my mind

In my soft mortal flesh

in the presence of the gentle

and distant

faint White Queen of Midnight.

*

I wail and cry tears of liquified soul

Deep fear, anguish and sorrow

I hurt

therefore I am

therefore I die.

*

I remember long ago

in ages lost forever

Forever is so long ago

forever is now

when I embraced

the Dragon of the night

and loved the Whan Queen

of the dark hours and they loved me.

*

They showed me

life and day

The Whan Queen graced me

yes she gave me grace and power

The Dragon of the night

loved me and cared.

He whispered to me words and emotions

in quiet solitude

in my empty mind

He helped me ride the storms.

*

I stand in the doorway

as a storm erupts

I stand as a crucified

as a damned

My hands on the frame

my head and hair hung down

The rain whips my back

and life humiliates…

Affraid.

AffraidLess than a god

More than a man

Nothing I do is right

Try as I can

*

It hurts when I try to feel

I try so hard

My doubts and fears punish me

for trying too hard

too much.

It’s just me

it’s my nature to be let down

kicked.

Spread my wings in glory

and fall

and crunch

and broken

and hurt.

I can taste my own blood.

Sweet

Bitter

Alkaline

*

Is this it?

My final destination?

To die in swampy mud?

In dispair?

Is this my nature?

*

I will kill myself by trying too hard.

Falling too much?

Or is it my nature

to kill ideas

feelings

even myself?

Am I simply

the guardian angel again?

Used and discarded

in grace

out of grace

In love

love taken back.

“I’m scared…

I’m affraid.”

I’m trying so hard…not trying at all.

And still I taint…feelings and company.

A lighter shade of black…sometimes.

I’m alone by choice?

By nature?

I’m affraid.

*

I try and still it’s wrong.

I touch and destroy a little

Hurt a little

Will I be alone again?

Oh, please let me die this time!

Will it last?

I would breath for her.

I’m so affraid

That she doesn’t know

Doesn’t feel

*

I feel so selfish on my own.

If I were with her would it hurt?

If I was alone would it hurt her?

Should I go?

To her?

Would I hurt her?

The frustration that could bring.

The pearls of tears.

The death of forever.

I’m so very affraid

of being without

of being within

of being.

Will it come to pass or will it pass?

I am so very affraid.