Love Archives – Page 2 of 3 – My Drowned Children

Where Were You?

The early morning mists

taunts your imagination and memories.

Stare into the grey distance

with intense fascination and silence

Vague shapes and shadows

ghosts from a past

meaningful whispers

words that didn’t last.

Where were you

when I was cold and clammy

Where were you

when I didn’t have any

or anyone?

Fears stride high

and play in my mind

for fun

I reach out in hope

there’s no-one I find

but you.

With a touch you can heal

vanquish my fears

With your words you console

I can hold back my tears.

Monster.

I hurt

therefore I am

therefore I die.

And all the voices all around me

were the voices in my mind.

And all the voices in my mind

rose like smoke from the ground.

Made me weep

turned me blind.

And in the stillness of my coma

was the wreck of a broken heart

And in the silence of my eyes

was a sole torn appart

I see love…it swiftly dies.

Perhaps I’m too naive

I was always innocent.

Love was always loved.

Hate was just resentment.

Perhaps I’m too naive

I was always innocent.

I learned to hate

through other’s contempt.

I lost my innocence

when I learnt what it meant.

I hurt

therefore I am

therefore I die.

I always believed that if I loved someone, I’d be able to freely express my feelings.

People hate and fear what they cannot understand, cannot comprehend.

They call it a monster.

I am a monster but take comfort…I’m still loved.

Fragment – God’s Grain –

Sleep is hard to obtain.

The night is bright

with a moon that silvers my curtains.

But I think of other beauty.

Of things to be

and things that might be.

My answer

Her reply

always she replies.

Never she answers.

Never I ask.

Perhaps she thinks of me.

Perhaps not.

Galaxies swirl

stirred by God’s finger.

A planet soup

and he gives me a small want.

For her.

For the fragile hand

that I may squeeze too hard.

How I wish to spoil her

Giving much

not expecting much.

I wish for only

a small measure of love.

To have her consent.

She moves as a faerie

in the mist.

A sprite

in mischief.

A nymph

in the woods.

I move heavily

Big

an imposter in the forest

and mist.

Yes

clumsy.

I wish not to force her

merely to suggest

Maybe we will dance.

Satan Loved Her

Satan loved her

rendered her love cripple

shattered and sharp like broken glass.

I gave myself to her pool of shattered love

I was torn appart and bled my emotional blood

trying with all I had

to wade through her pieces

and put her back together

My love became broken and shattered all that while.

The Demon seeped into my wounds

I became Evil & Hate

for I loved her and couldn’t hold her together.

I was Hate

I was Evil

All around me became Hate & Evil

All around me was night.

All around me was night

an a slender hand

soft and fragile took mine.

She held me close

Without knowing

she put me back together

Piece by piece

Made me smile and feel

She led me back

gently by the hand to her world.

Now I’m no longer alone

scared of the dark.

There’s no more Hate or Evil

just fear for us.

A Heart-shaped Coal

Everything seems so clear in the dark

When a cold wind blows

and the clouds rush eerie and swift

across the sky.

Singed with moonlight.

There’s a storm coming

There’s a strong will to die

a strong will to survive.

My nightmares come to visit creeping through the cracks

of my closed and barred door

Skulking in the blue shadows of my small and lonesome room.

There was spring, each touch new

There was summer, each touch warm and comforting

There was autumn, each touch reassuring yet fearful

Then winter, each touch painfully cold

Each touch yearning for warmth.

So I closed the door

Barricaded out the cold and held myself for warmth.

I hurt

Therefore I am.

Doomed always to be that one guardian angel

To hold and heal that broken-hearted sparrow

To be left holding my own shattered black heart

when the sparrow has flown

Fluttering-spluttering away

from my fearful frame

from my rusty barbed-wire halo

And again I dig my fingers into my fleshy chest

Tear out my heart to see if it still beats

to see if it’s still alive

or still.

It doesn’t hurt

I have no feeling

It’s not surprising…what I find

Black brittle heart-shaped coal.

It crumbles to bloody mud in my crushing hands

I try to be gentle…

I try…I do

but still it crumbles.

I try to hold it together.

Even a black heart of coal

is better than none at all.

I offer the bloody crushed heart

to anyone-everyone

but they turn and flee

in disgust, shame

but mostly fear.

Everyone fears what they don’t understand

I am no more human than a beast

They see me as an animal

a fleshy object

and uncomprehension breeds fear

and fear breeds hate

and hate breeds anger

and anger breeds fear

and fear breeds me.

So I became dark, faded and tarnished.

That angel in the shadows

always waiting

always silent

One hand always tentatively outstreached.

Hoping to touch the light

Hoping to open the door

to another spring

Wishing for a loving touch

Praying to a deaf God

for a new heart

for a lost hope

for the one he lost

to cruel fateful circumstance

created by a cruel, spiteful master

a cruel creator.

Affraid.

Less than a god

More than a man

Nothing I do is right

Try as I can

It hurts when I try to feel

I try so hard

My doubts and fears punish me

for trying too hard

too much.

It’s just me

it’s my nature to be let down

kicked.

Spread my wings in glory

and fall

and crunch

and broken

and hurt.

I can taste my own blood.

Sweet

Bitter

Alkaline

Is this it?

My final destination?

To die in swampy mud?

In dispair?

Is this my nature?

I will kill myself by trying too hard.

Falling too much?

Or is it my nature

to kill ideas

feelings

even myself?

Am I simply

the guardian angel again?

Used and discarded

in grace

out of grace

In love

love taken back.

“I’m scared…

I’m affraid.”

I’m trying so hard…not trying at all.

And still I taint…feelings and company.

A lighter shade of black…sometimes.

I’m alone by choice?

By nature?

I’m affraid.

I try and still it’s wrong.

I touch and destroy a little

Hurt a little

Will I be alone again?

Oh, please let me die this time!

Will it last?

I would breath for her.

I’m so affraid

That she doesn’t know

Doesn’t feel

I feel so selfish on my own.

If I were with her would it hurt?

If I was alone would it hurt her?

Should I go?

To her?

Would I hurt her?

The frustration that could bring.

The pearls of tears.

The death of forever.

I’m so very affraid

of being without

of being within

of being.

Will it come to pass or will it pass?

I am so very affraid.

Twists in Solitary Time

Day arrives

with a quiet sigh of life

Hills

The features of earth’s face

under a cold sun

The soft smell of winter air

The times I enjoyed

Drank deep from the cup of poison

of life

So far ago

So long afar

So lost

Friends I loved

Scattered and torn

by me

by them

by time.

The weekend night

When I saw

the love I might not have

When I saw

time in the night sky

She flew over and left us stranded

On our hills

In our valleys

Alone

and would it hurt?

Yes

and would I still long

and love

and see slow rain?

Yes

Would I cry?

The pain would tear me apart

spill my blood

The hate would hurt all the world

Sinking like grey rain

Poison from above

crawling like insects – in.

Crystal ships of blood

Float silently in the air

Cunning carpets

crawl across the floor.

Still longing

Still loving

Dead still

Still dead.

Toadstools twist in the twighlight

in the night

And I’m alone again

Not sorrowful

Not fearful

but cold and numb

and open

In my lonesome mind

in my lonesome skull

in my numb body

The curtain drops again

The parrody under the stars

begins again

and the actors: Me and I

tangle and twist in imaginary time

She touches me

Soft sensation

again

Soft tender sensation

again

A bullet to my brain

She’s awoken me

and I can see

and love

and cry.

My Parent’s Sins

The sins of my father

burden me.

Lie heavy on my shoulders

and I blame him for it.

Part of him haunts me.

A ghost of his

flows in my veins

and I despise it.

That is why

I’m so surprised

when I’m loved.

I feel unworthy of it.

Hold on to it

and cherish it.

I need all the love

I can get.

The sins of my mother

weigh me down.

Sag my heart

and make me crawl.

She never could understand.

The life she gave

would turn from her

leave her and live.

That is why I love

with all my being.

a separate being.

For if they love me and suffer for it.

I too will suffer anything for them.

I turn my back

on the sins of my parents.

I refuse to alow them to destroy me

but still they haunt me and taunt me.

Whispering doubts of dying ghosts –

“Your love will be like your parents'”

Do You?

Do you know what it is to be loved?

Do you?

In the tenderness of light

it starts with a soft caress.

Slowly eases your mind

lifts the souls deep stress.

Consoles you, makes you kind.

She eases your bodily pain.

Leads you through unknown darkness.

Kindness she hopes to gain.

You know what it is to love.

Don’t you?

In the swamp of dark

I’ll guide her gently through.

In her silent night

if she hurts I’ll carry her too.

Forever searching for light

she rests in me and holds me.

That’s all she needs to do

for her fragile spell to be.

Flash of Light

Another flash of lightning

as the thunder dies.

Vengeful seeking fingers

stroke across the skies.

There lies a child sleeping

dreams soothe her eyes.

Hope in tranquil breathing

more so in her sighs.

In every dream a life

a living seed to sow.

In every crash of lightning

He will only know.

For Susan: Her hopes, her dreams.

07/01/98